Getting It

One of my teachers once told me that I was afraid of success.

And they were right. As much as I long and strive to succeed I am afraid of what will come after. There is no greater disappointment than to achieve the pentacle of your life/profession and to realize that it does not satisfy, instead there is only a greater hole where that goal once stood. (Paraphrased from Ravi Zacharias). I am not nearly as afraid of failure as I used to be, but I am more afraid of success. But I cannot stop striving. I must. It is the way I was made.

Sitting in class today listening to Jim talk about all the great successes that his students and he have had, I am as afraid as I am excited. He talks a lot about the money. I cannot tell whether it is because he is trying to reassure us that we are not wasting ours or that it is the most important thing to him. I hope that someday I will have a good living, or better, but I am afraid that it will rule me and destroy much of the good in my life. Love of money is the root of all evil.

Whatever. We'll see where it all stands in a couple of years. From where I'm standing, I find it hard to comprehend having a life where I have an income high enough to live better than I do now.

Bah. Humbug.