The Rock Wanderer: May 2010

I haven't posted anything for a while. I suppose it's because I've been undergoing a major life change which includes a nearly complete revision of how I view myself and the world. It's been a long time coming, but I'm historically not good at change. I throw myself into new situations, but it's only because it's been led by God or it's necessary for a goal. I choose a way of life/thinking/goals and I stick to them until it becomes impossible for me to continue. It's hard to describe. I've been locked into a fairly secular/scientific/logic world view since middle school. It's the same mentality that led me to the Academy, and the Academy was the first and fatal blow to that side of me which I so carefully and determinedly crafted. It never fit. Ever. But I made it work much to my own degradation.

I've had to give it a whole lot of thought lately. It became increasingly clear in the past year that the strategy that I was using to achieve the goal I felt God set before me just didn't fit me. But I'm stubborn and persistent. I hate to be defeated by something I know that I'm both strong enough and talented enough to conquer. But it wasn't to be. It's not my path. I've tried to go about this art's thing responsibly, the only way I know how. Form a plan and put it into action. I'm a methodical person. There's no doubt about it. And my God given calling (as it's been increasingly and slowly more and more clear since the Academy) is in fact the arts. Now by the end of high school I'd given up the notion that a life in the arts was a viable or responsible thing for someone who is smart enough to excel in the respectable sciences, though I have never had much of a love for science. I have a great love of learning, but I'm not suited for a life in the higher ranks of science where it seems to be so clinically stale. But in Geology I found the perfect compromise, but it still didn't fit.

In all honesty neither the scientific nor the artistic world fits me very well. I'm just I suppose an exceedingly strange creature that fuses logic and the arts together. And I am most happy when both sides are working in conjunction, like they were while I studied Theatre. The program at WJ was perfect for me in it melding of all the aspects of technical and performance theatre.

I only wish I hadn't tried for so long and so hard to cut my creative/artistic side out. It stems from not being much encouraged in school in these aspects while those whom I thought clearly possessed less talent and potential were lauded. But this is most likely an exaggeration of the truth, but this is how I felt. At least intellectually I could dominate and so that's what I pursued.

But I guess I still haven't revealed my new direction. To many it probably won't seem like such a change, but to me it's sort of like being transformed from an aardvark to a lion. And the only reason I'm even willing to totally embrace this transformation is because I'm submitting myself to God. You either get this or you don't. It's soo much different than just the predominately intellectual faith that I've lived with for so long. Its a difficult but wondrous thing to forsake the world for God. And God gave me Mercator, who has been my constant companion since coming to LA, and would not exist without my time here. But film? I really hate the industry. Really. Being on set was neat for awhile but I am absolutely not suited for that ridiculous lifestyle. And I have neither the time nor the patience to pursue it any longer. I know I'm not special, but if film direction is in my future, this is not the avenue that I am to take.

So, for the moment Mercator is my only mission. I've got to get him ready for the world by November. I'm terrified. Really. I'm not ready to go public, but I'm not to hide any longer and I know that I'll be ready at exactly the right time and not before. Its an incredibly exciting time for me right now, and extremely hard. I have very little self-confidence when it comes to my own artistic work or ability and I feel slightly guilty that I should be chosen for such a profession when I never really sought it out or gave it as much effort as those whose entire lives have revolved around trying to achieve it. In this I sound overly confident in my success, but what God promises he delivers. And he's promised to catch me in this leap. I'm not saying Mercator is the next Harry, but he won't fail. Of this I am assured and it is enough.