rut

I'm stuck in a rut that I just can't seem to get out of and honestly I'm sure if I'm supposed to yet.

In the last, oh, two months or so I've gone into total reclusive loner mode. Usually I try and avoid this because my social skills usually deteriorate or I just get stuck in a loop and I see it as lazy. At least when I went into these modes and I was in school I had class to force me out, but now all I have is Church and the SCA and the SCA isn't that convincing of an argument. Unless I have a reason to get out I just don't. In past instances I had nothing to do but goof around when I was in isolation mode, but this time I've got plenty to do and I've been busy both creatively and intellectually. Unfortunately, I've not been busy enough on the creative side and I'm feeling a bit under the gun, no one's placed me there but myself but the pressure is there none the less. For some strange reason I find being creative for a concrete purpose very stressful. I'm guessing this is mostly because in school when I was creative it was for fun only. There was no benefit other than the pleasure of what I was doing and that mentality still sticks in my mind and will take time to dislodge. I really don't consider myself to be very good at drawing and the time it takes for me to do it well and the effort involved is grating...unless I get on a roll and then days go by and I don't even notice it. It's just strange to me and I don't understand it and I have a drive to understand everything I possibly can. I remember now why I tried to rid myself of my perfectionist nature. It's just too stressful and I really don't like stress.

Where am I going with this? Nowhere in particular. I'm just not going to Fighter Practice...again. I just can't do it right now though I want to. My absence in the SCA has been bothering me for a long time. I just can't quite figure out what's holding me back from committing as deeply as I had intended and wanted. I'm thinking that it's just this transitional phase that I'm going through. I just can't justify the time and effort the endeavor takes at the moment, no matter how much I love it. Perhaps it is avoidance or something. But the aspect that bothers me the most is my lack of commitment and steadfastness, two things that used to be so easy just aren't anymore. That and my seeming lack of discipline in certain areas of my life.

It just seems that I'm being rebuilt slowly from the inside out, which I've asked for continually. I just hoped it wouldn't be so painfully slow. But everything in time, there's much ground to cover between where I am and where I'm headed.

It's daunting to be looking at the mountain from the outskirts of the foothills. But exciting too.