Catch the Wind

My grandmother, Mama, died last Tuesday morning. From elementary school through most of my college years I stayed with her about once a week. Through high school, unless I had a basketball game or band thing, I stayed at her house on Friday nights. When everyone else partied, or whatever you're supposed to do on Fridays, I went to Mama's ate junk food and watched TV. It was my escape every week. She used to make me a huge plate of spaghetti and garlic toast for supper, sometimes we'd splurge and have pizza. Or if she needed supplies we'd go over a town to Wal-Mart, I'd get a $5 toy and we'd go to Applebee's where I'd get the double cheeseburger and a cookie shake. Mama usually had the quesadillas, probably the reason I like them now. When I graduated high school she took me and my cousins on a cruise to Bermuda it was most awesome I'd do it again in a heartbeat. The first time I remember her crying is when I left for the Naval Academy after high school, and then again when I came back. While I was at Jewell before transferring to Wheaton I resumed my weekend stays at her house. After I graduated from Wheaton and went back to get another degree at Jewell I stayed with Mama Sunday nights as her caregiver, at that point she had full-time live in help. That continued until I moved to LA little more than a year ago. It was during that return to Jewell and staying with Mama that I started singing and playing my guitar regularly. Every private concert ended with Jolene, even the ones this last month with her in the hospital. She liked to hear me play and I loved playing for her. I'll never have a more captive audience. Or one more prone to be lulled asleep by my music.

I played at her funeral on Saturday. I would have liked to sing Jolene, but I didn't think it would be appropriate. I played Catch the Wind instead. My two cousins payed their tribute first in words, beautiful, appropriate words, then I played. I thought I'd make it through, but I got to the 3rd verse and broke down. I started thinking about the lyrics, "When the rain has hung the leaves with tears I want you near to kill my fears to help me leave all my blues away," and couldn't do it. I did manage to recite most of the rest, "Standing in your heart is where I want to be, I long to be..." But I couldn't finish it. Thankfully my mom, who was sitting at the piano, finished, "Ah, but I might as well try and catch the wind."

It'll be a long time before I see my Mama again. But she's dancing and laughing and singing at the feast. I've never heard Mama sing, I used to sit next to her in church and she'd just read the hymns without singing. I can hardly wait to hear her sing.

I love you Mama. I'll miss singing for you.