Hrmmm...

I've been on edge since coming to LA. It's weird. I just can't relax. I'm sure that after the first couple of days on the job the anxiety will ease up and I'll just slip in to the swing of things. I haven't been this worked up about something in a long time. This is the way I used to get when I was about to go to Space Camp. Or when I was waiting for my appointment to USNA.

I guess it comes down to pivotal parts of my life, or at least things I've put a lot of hope and work into. It has to do with really wanting to do everything right and be the best I can be. Once in the groove things tend to settle down. But this time, I feel like I have a lot riding on this period in my life. I feel like it is either do or die, but at this very moment there is nothing I can actually DO and I hate that feeling. To succeed in this business you have to be proactive, I know that, but my job starts in a week or less and there's nothing I can do at the moment besides wait. Last week and the week before I had a really good creative influx and put down a lot of notes for future development, but right now I'm too tense to focus on anything.

I should be searching hard for the next job after this, but I feel as though I need to gauge my reaction and experience on this first job. I want to see what it is like on the lot/set/office so I can start determining what I want to do for the next couple of years before I make my first movie.

That's the thing. I'm here in Hollywood to see how it is done so I can take what I need and get on with my career. I don't want to spend years and years doing menial tasks getting nowhere before I make my move. I want to have a full length feature film in the can in 2 years. Short deadline, but I need the whip of time to get me going. Getting a movie made is a matter of logistics. It can be done, and done well, on a shoestring budget and filmed in less than 20 days. Its been done before. I can do it. Its all about strategy.

I just have to get over this freaking stupid fear of...

Kim (or Lois Ann) once said that I fear success. I think they're right. I am afraid of what I want.

Blah blah blah blah blah...

I just need to get this crap out there so I can get over myself and get on with it.

sorry.